A new tradition starts today, where brutal honest reigns supreme. I’ve been thinking these things for days and keep thinking about why no one ever says these things…as in, really honest advice about what you should and shouldn’t be wearing and why. Then I thought, you know, I’m on a honesty roll – I’LL say them. Think of me as the friend who would tell you that you had toilet paper stuck to your butt or spinach in your teeth. I say these things with love.
Here are five things about fashion that are almost never said, but really should be:
1) If you fight with your clothes, the clothes always win. Ever see someone struggling to get into something that’s just too small or wearing something that’s way too big? Ladies, if you feel like you’re fighting with your wardrobe, it’s time to get rid of those clothes. They will always beat you and make you look bad. Pare your wardrobe down to only clothes that go on smoothly and feel amazing. If that only leaves you with ten items, that’s fine – at least those ten items will make you look like a goddess.
2) If you can’t walk in high heels, don’t wear them. Ladies, I have watched so many women make this mistake and it’s time to just give it up. If your ankles wobble or buckle while you walk in high heels, it’s time to take the heel height down at least an inch. You look ridiculous and eventually you will break something. Same goes for heavy-walking chicks in high heels. If you walk like a trucker in stilettos, you make yourself look bad but more important from a fashion lover’s perspective, you make the SHOES look bad.
3) Don’t complain about looking fat in sequins. Shiny items on your body are used to draw attention to the area, because people are like hamsters and we’re drawn to shiny objects. If you place something shiny over it, you’d better want some attention drawn to it. Don’t take this negatively, just use it to your advantage. Wear sequins away from whatever body part you want to minimize and it should draw the line away. If you’re hourglass-shaped, a sequined belt is your friend. But very few people can pull of head-to-toe sequins. Even the girls from En Vogue have and Joan Collins had to give that up.
4) Don’t bitch about your skin if you smoke. I’m drawing a line in the sand. You would have to live in a (I imagine) smoke-filled cave to not know that smoking is the nastiest, most horrible thing you can do to your body. You’re dehydrating yourself like beef jerky and you want to complain about lines around your mouth and your eyes? Give me a break. If your face looked like your internal organs most certainly do at this point, you’d have bigger concerns than your complexion. Quit smoking and in three months, we’ll talk about solutions to correct the damage you’ve done.
5) Don’t look at models and say you’ll never eat again. Look, I know that we’re inundated all day with images of genetically-inspiring human coat hangers that make men drool, but it’s no reason to kill yourself. These women are paid to look this way. Take your inspiration from the clothes and always look at the world from what it can do for YOU, what looks best on YOUR body and what makes YOU look hot. I had a girlfriend of mine talk about how hard it was to date because guys want to date girls who look like models. OK, so let’s be honest here – if you’re dating a model-loving guy, that guy is most likely a total douchebag. Men like to have sex and any man who gets you in bed naked better THANK HIS LUCKY FUCKING STARS that you’re there. Otherwise, he can hit the road and take his fashion magazine fantasies elsewhere.
Anything else that should be said that hasn’t been? It’s Friday, ladies! Let loose and speak your mind!