So, let’s talk about that word “commitment” for a minute.
If there’s one cruel joke that time plays on you as you get older, it’s the mean-spirited taunt that those last 20-25 lbs. of major weight loss come off very slowly toward the end, and it will absolutely piss you off. Guaranteed. 100%.
I became obsessed with mathematically driving the last 26 lbs. of body weight off my frame. Double workouts, taking advice to only eat popcorn for dinner and to juice: I was trying everything I knew how to get this done in a more expedient format.
Because, in all honesty, I just wanted to be done with the whole process: the monitoring of calories, the strenuous workouts, the pushing through pain, etc. All of it. I was on a bike in SoulCycle on Monday with fatigue, leg muscles failing after five days of working out in addition to 15 hr. days of work. I was tired, I was wiped out, and I was just….done.
I cannot “beat the weight off.”
Here’s the thing no one ever tells you about losing a lot of weight: there’s a grieving process involved. Whatever led you to gain the weight is usually wrapped in a tremendous amount of pain. If you refuse to acknowledge your pain, if you dance around the forgiveness that needs to happen, if you think you can get through it without dealing with your shit, you will never, ever be done. Any yo-yo dieter, every contestant on The Biggest Loser who regained all the weight afterwards can tell you: you must deal with what’s eating at you, or you must feed it to survive.
I’ve realized I was trying to get around the bigger work that stands in the way of my goal: I have to deal with why I gained the weight in the first place. Those are some deep, touchy, emotional places that are filled with scar tissue. No amount of calorie burn can heal them. I can’t outrun the reasons I overeat, I can’t spin them away: it’s time to deal with my stuff.
And so, while I back down on the workout schedule this week, I’m committed to some mental cardio of unraveling my brain. I’m not saying it won’t be messy. I don’t think it will be pretty, but I’ve decided the best way to get to the end is with all of myself in tact, and that means I’m committed to making myself whole.
C is for “Committed.” I’m ready to see this through.