When I made the decision to relaunch FSB about three weeks ago, I turned the site off so I could reevaluate what I was doing with the site and where it was going. This means a heartfelt journey through my content. A quick review revealed that I have written 2,419 posts for this site.
That means this is post #2,420. That’s a lot of writing in six years.
I learned a few more things when looking back through that catalog of musings, product reviews, journals and weight loss diaries. I’ve realized that the voice of the posts in the past almost four years has felt a bit arms length. If you’ve been reading the site for a while, you’ve felt it. The voice felt distant, erratic…unfocused. Sometimes, I let you all the way in, and then other times, I force you all the way out again.
You and I don’t know each other very well, do we?
One of the reasons I decided to sort of rip everything down and start again is because I’m not the same person I was six years ago when I started this site, but I am most certainly a much different person than the person who put her guard up almost four years ago.
What I hadn’t told anyone but a very few, select people is that I almost became a fashion and beauty industry statistic. The life you see on Instagram with all of us drinking champagne, dancing on tabletops and jetting around the globe is amazing, no doubt. It’s also, for some of us, an incredibly dangerous affair.
That life is called jet setting because of all the airplane time, but it also moves at that speed. Those of us predisposed to chemical addiction can find ourselves never leaving the party, moving from one tabletop to another, never wanting to go home, and never realizing that we’re not riding in the plane anymore but we’re on the windshield, hanging on for dear life. There are people who prey on those who weaken in that atmosphere. I found myself having to rely upon people who used that weakened position. I did things I never thought I would do. I wound up places I never thought I would go.
But the blog sure did look pretty.
And so, almost four years ago, I took the steps I needed to take to get off the windshield and essentially end the ride. I almost destroyed everything I worked so hard to build.
How I did it isn’t important, really, and neither are the gory details of what happened then. It’s not because I fear people’s perceptions of addiction; your opinion is none of my business. But the reason it has to stay private is because it’s hard work and it has to be done by one person and one person only: me.
It’s still not easy, but I’ve realized I don’t need to fake things in pretty pictures that show the way things look. The most important thing to me now is the way things are.
But the arms-length writing where I needed to protect that process is coming to a close. Where am I now is that I’ve made the decision to actually build that life I’ve always wanted to live, and this time I get to really enjoy and savor each moment. Everything that touches my skin, every moment I travel through time and space now: I own that. I am here. I am present. And now, so will you be.
For those of you who have stayed with me through this incredible ride through Hell and back, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. This Monday Motivation Mix is personal to me because it’s the letter “H” and that’s all about Happiness. Here are the songs that have kept me going and focused my eyes on the prize, which is to be happy. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, and I’m happy to say that all these years later, I’ve finally found it.