So, outside of a crazed freelance writing schedule, the Lucky FABB Blogger Conference and preparing to fly to Seattle for the #MicrosoftChampions conference (and I am SO fired up about it,) I’ve not written for a little bit. But, if we’re being honest here, I’ve been struggling a bit with a body confidence issue that’s decided to rear its ugly head again for the eleventy billionth time in my life, and here we are again: I’ve gained some of the weight back.
I’m not unlike any of you in the fact that I struggle trying to eat healthy with a demanding schedule, but September and October were literally ridiculous when it came to a busy schedule. Not only did work explode and Fashion Week struck like the Hurricane of Bitchiness that it always does, but I hit some female health issues and met a guy. A great guy. A fantastic, sexy, let’s-eat-ice-cream-in-bed-while-we-watch-the-world-go-by kind of guy. As a result, I hopped on the scale and eight pounds came flying back when I wasn’t looking.
Now, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pissed about this. I worked really hard to take that 80+ lbs off, and to see my current weight on the scale would normally send me into a tailspin of deprivation, not eating and general misery that could potentially start another year-or-so-long shame spiral of working out and declaring 30 day challenges of exercise and wrenching my knee and all of that. But gals and gents, I just don’t know if I have it in me anymore to keep fighting with the hourglass shape of my body.
Granted, I want those eight pounds gone, but the thought of adding extra workouts to a schedule where I’m stretched so thin you could give me an X-ray by lighting a match behind my back… I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I’m 42. I’m not supposed to be supermodel thin. I have a woman’s breasts and hips and it’s just…well, maybe I like me this way.
And so, I think I’m calling this battle off. Here’s how I want this to go from here on out: I’m going to eat right with the occasional cheat here and there. I’d like to avoid white flour, white sugar and dairy because it makes me a bloated, uncomfortable mess. I’m going to continue to hit Core Fusion and yoga classes, but wherever the needle lands after this eight pounds is back off, it lands.
I want to love working out again. I want to feel at home in my body again, and I want to stop feeling like there’s a constant war on my hourglass shape – a battle I’m waging all by myself, mind you. I will do my best to share this journey with you because I’d love it if we could all figure out what that magic number is, the weight where we’re healthy but not miserable trying to achieve something that may never – and maybe SHOULD never – happen.
I wrote this because I know that we’re all trying to figure this out, this love-yourself-right-where-you-are thing. So, I’m starting right here, eight pounds heavier than I was, attempting to stand in a place of forgiveness. Join me. Stand with me.
Live is short. This is me, trying to love myself a little bit more.