Before we begin, let’s make sure that we understand my standpoint on Valentine’s Day. I am neutral when it comes to this holiday. I could care less about whether or not I find someone to mac on before the end of Valentine’s night. My standpoint on Valentine’s Day is that it’s kind of like the observance of another religion’s holidays: feel free to participate or just go on about your business as best you can.
But let’s say that this year, you’re just not feeling the red dress thing. You don’t have a sweetheart and you’re contemplating small acts of sabotage on all the women in your office who will be getting flowers the Friday before. What’s one to do when you’re inundated with ads for romantic movies and dinners for two?
Bitter and Jaded, your table is now available because I’ve got the best solution EVER for your anti-Valentine’s Day Celebration. It’s called the Anti-Valentine’s Badass Chick Flick Festival and it’s guaranteed to lift your spirits. Chock full of female action heros and good-mood-inspiring maladjusted behavior, it’ll raise your spirits. Throw away that Whitman’s sampler and sink your teeth into these goodies:
The Last Seduction: Linda Fiorentino is basically one of the baddest chicks EVER TO WALK THE EARTH in this fabulous film. Stuck in a bad marriage with a crooked Bill Pullman, she embezzles money from her criminal husband, takes off for parts unknown and proceeds to wreak havoc on a small town. She also turns Peter Berg into her personal sex slave. It’s inspiring and genius, folks.
The Long Kiss Goodnight: Geena Davis at her quirky best, she plays a soccer mom who starts to recover a memory of a life where she was, hello, a black ops operative spy! Samuel L. Jackson and Craig Bierko add colorful characters but it’s Davis’ show and she throws down some purely James Bond-level whoopass in this movie. So much fun.
Black Widow: This is one of my favorite movies of all time. Debra Winger plays a CIA desk jockey who starts an obsession with the mysterious deaths of wealthy men. The common thread? They were all married to what appears to be the same woman. This cat-and-mouse game culminates with a great ending and Theresa Russell is amazing at the cause of Winger’s obsession.
Diabolique: Two women, a wife and a mistress, murder their shared love/hate interest and everything’s fine until a detective comes snooping around (men..ugh). For those with a desire for foreign film, this is a must-watch movie.
Basic Instinct: Yes, it’s campy and yes, it’s kind of dated but really, what kind of warm fuzzies are you going to get from a sociopathic woman who plots out ritualistic murders in her novels and then acts them out in real life? The part that basically made Sharon Stone who she is today, it’s got sex, drugs and an ice pick.
Heathers: Classic Winona Ryder and co-starring my all-time first crush, Christian Slater, a teenage girl falls for the wrong guy in this movie and people start to die. Some of the best lines ever uttered in any teen movie, including “My teen angst now has a body count” and “Heather, my love, there’s a new sheriff in town.”
Kill Bill, Vol.1 and 2: My final selection, Uma Thurman plays “The Bride”, a woman who awakes from a coma to remember that her assassin past followed her to her wedding day and killed everyone she loved. Determined to murder her entire posse one by one, the movie follows her warpath as she murders her way to her final goal of killing Bill, the ringleader. Quentin Tarantino at his best, it’s violent, brilliantly done and with some of the best dialog ever written.
I suggest heavily-buttered popcorn with these selections, along with a good dry Chardonnay (better get a few bottles) and mind-blowing cheese and charcuterie platter. Invite your girls (and guys) and settle in for the most kick-ass movie festival since Kurasawa made mad films.
Of course, I just adore suggestions. Any others you’d like to add to the list? Let me know in the comments section below.