Ok, so I’ve made you clean out your closet and some of you wanted to burn me at the stake for even suggesting that you repurpose your ex’s clothes for your own wardrobe (evidently, you’d rather shove your carbon footprint up his ass by burning these items), but now it’s time to get serious about the final frontier: your underwear drawer.
This is sacred territory for most women, so I know that I’m nosing into hallowed ground of fashion territory but this needs to be done. If you’re going to bring sexy back at some point, you need to make sure that you’re ready to go.
Actually, the reason you’re doing this is even bigger than being sexy to someone else. No outfit can truly look its best without proper undergarments. How many times have you busted out of the house and realized you’re wearing the wrong bra for your top or dress? Show of hands? Let’s not have that happen again, shall we?
Before you begin, head to your local lingerie department or lingerie boutique and get properly measure for a bra. Your bra size changes for all sorts of reasons (and more frequently than you think), so in order to keep the girls facing upright get fitted at least once a year. Try on different types of bras so you can see how each one looks and fits you. Be sure to leave the store with one good basic t-shirt bra and something sexy that makes you want to turn on a little Prince with a glass of wine in your hand. You can buy other types later. Return home.
Now, pour yourself a glass of something fun and grab a trash can. Make three piles:
- Trash: this is any item that is absolutely destroyed, in horrible condition, has stains (don’t “ew” me, we all have periods and accidents happen), tears or elastic shooting out of the sides. Victoria’s Secret has a semi-annual sale for a reason, people: get new underwear! Granny panties and huge shiny panties are also no one’s friend. Get RID of these items. Bras that are beyond repair and don’t fit (see: visit lingerie shop to get measured) can go straight into the bin as well. Your shapers that are shot to Hell also go in the trash. Pajamas that are frumpy or have feet in them should be burned, but I’ll let you decide whether to trash or give them away.
- Giveaway: Most organizations won’t take used panties, so there is no panty giveaway pile. Bras that don’t fit but are in good condition (or can quickly be mended) might be acceptable for giveaways. I’ll let you decide how you want to handle pajamas that you don’t love anymore but remember that if you put footie pajamas in an adult woman size out there in the Universe, some other woman will have to do what you’ve just done and that’s bad fashion karma.
- Keep: This is a pile for bras, panties, shapers and pajamas that are in good condition and you love them. They should be of excellent quality and make you feel like a million dollars when you wear them.
I mentioned the Crash pile. Because you might be in emotional distress over throwing out Day of the Week underwear, I’m allowing you to keep a small stash of things that you are allowed to wear ONLY when no one is going to see them. You are allowed three pairs of panties that must be in good condition (absolutely NO GRANNY PANTIES), and one nightgown/pair of pajamas that only you understand why you love them so. Keep them AWAY from your lingerie drawer to ensure you have to make a special effort to wear them. They might save you on laundry day. But remember, if George Clooney stops by and wants to have a little sexy time, it’s your fault you wore them. Always be prepared, ladies.
Your underwear drawer brings you karma, ladies. Frumpy is as frumpy does, so when you broadcast that feeling of “ugh, I wouldn’t want someone to see me in these” out there, trust me, men will pick up on that and they’ll stay away. Even if you’re not ready to date yet, you need to feel better about yourself and walking around in underwear that is threadbare is not helping matters. When you demand that everything that everything that surrounds you is of the best quality down to the garments that touch your skin, trust me, the rest of your life will follow suit.